Personal Ads you'll never see

Hi, I'm (insert name here). I'm an average-looking, bland and otherwise nondescript, overweight white woman with too much education and too little real-life experience. I have no realistic goals and prefer to remain mired in the anonymity of middle-class, suburban America. I am a whiny, manipulative and overneedy b*tch who will suck you emotionally dry for the remainder of your days and never again let you have a life outside of our relationship. Let's talk; call me real soon so I can start nagging, mother hen-ing, and caretaking you. I dream of a future where you and I can lose our self-concepts in the throes of our mutually dysfunctional ideologies and relationship!

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Greetings. I'm (insert name here). From looking at my picture, you might assume that I am an achievable woman. Think again. The sad truth is that I am far too fabulous for you, geek boy. I am actually not even available - I am just here to torture you, and to show you what you could have had if you hadn't been too busy wacking off to Star Trek in your parents basement. Hah Hah!

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OK boys, let's get down to what is important here:
I'm (insert name here). I'm in my 30s and want to have a baby girl. Right - now. I am otherwise completely happy doing my own thing, but do feel compelled to bring about a child into the world the old-fashioned way.
That's where you come in. My goals require you to:
a) have a set of fully-functioning man equipment (Limpy need not apply)
b) have a steady, reliable source of income on which you can comfortably support me, yourself, and our love child
c) own a home in an urban area
d) be ready to marry me at my bidding and love me unconditionally for who I am for the remainder of our days
e) have no particular longing for me to produce a baby boy, because I will not do it

If you meet the above requirements, are at least 30 years old, 5 feet-10 inches, and don't look like a troll or require significant electrolysis to go to the beach, please email me. Include 2 months of paystubs, your current mortgage statement and pictures of man equipment, teeth and back. Glasses and nerdy computer savvy a plus.